State of the Republic: Week 23
08:00, 21 Jan 2013
John Kelly
PLAYER OF THE WEEKEND
Alex Pearce (Reading)
Played 90 minutes (Newcastle United 1-2 Reading)
Wins the Player of the Weekend award for the second week in a row because we couldn’t be arsed cutting and pasting his name back down into the ‘Defenders’ list and replacing him with someone equally as unworthy of walking away with the gong. Onwards and upwards. Three-quarters of the defence of the team given absolutely no chance of survival and that’s on a run of one defeat in six is made up of Irish players nowhere near the Irish team and managed by a former Irish player. A complicated calculation of where-we’d-be-if-Ireland-were-managed-by-Brian McDermott arithmetic comes out saying Ireland second behind Germany by three points. State’ll get to work on the banners.
GOALKEEPERS.
Shay Given (Aston Villa)
Injured (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
It shouldn’t be like this.
Brian Murphy (QPR)
Not in squad (West Ham United 1-1 QPR)
Sam Allardyce said that West Ham hit 46 crosses into the box against QPR– and he meant that as a compliment to himself. That’s like patting yourself on the back for eventually successfully frying an egg, but only after burning down the kitchen in the process. In short, it’s no guarantee that the same methods will lead to a successfully fried egg in the future. That’s the end of our egg metaphor. We’re hungry.
Keiren Westwood (Sunderland)
Unused sub (Wigan Athletic 2-3 Sunderland)
Is Roberto Martinez now an underrated overrated manager or an overrated underrated manager?
DEFENDERS
Richard Dunne (Aston Villa)
Injured (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
Ciaran Clark (Aston Villa)
Played 90 minutes (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
Paul Lambert meant it as a positive when he said, “(The players) give me everything they've got” but if he’d said, “Ah, we were only having a laugh there over Christmas, we’ll take things seriously now, I swear” it could’ve filled Villa fans with less fear and a lot, lot more hope.
Enda Stevens (Aston Villa)
Not in squad (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
Derrick Williams (Aston Villa)
Not in squad (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
Stephen Kelly (Reading)
Played 90 minutes (Newcastle United 1-2 Reading)
Despite being a kind of wasteland for Irish footballers who used to be good, or were never quite good enough, Reading are doing rather well. It all goes to show that if you’re a likable manager – and Brian McDermott does have that pinch-your-cheek-what-are-you-like likability -- you’re halfway there as a Premier League manager.
Ian Harte (Reading)
Played 90 minutes (Newcastle United 1-2 Reading)
Stunningly, we advised McDermott to put him in the team just before they started this current run of not losing that much. Like all football fans who’ve just about accepted we’ll never play or manage in the Premier League, we still think we’d make an excellent scout. We reckoned Harte was worth the risk of being as slow as a tractor lawnmower for the set-piece threat he provides and so far w’ve been proved right. Brian McDermott, get in touch.
Marc Wilson (Stoke City)
Injured (Swansea 3-1 Stoke City)
To paraphrase Gary Mabbutt, Wilson needs to sit down and stand up and take a long, hard look at himself in the mirror and then ask himself if Steven Reid would be out of contention just because of a trifling injury such as a broken leg.
John O’Shea (Sunderland)
Played 90 minutes (Wigan Athletic 2-3 Sunderland)
Put the disappointment of John Mullane’s retirement behind him to captain his side to another win in a -- lets’ face it -- fairly anonymous resurgence for Sunderland. Sure they could’ve been relegated but all they’ve done now is make the rest of the season an absolute bore for their fans.
Steven “Hard as F***” Reid (West Bromwich Albion)
Injured (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
If Steven Reid was able to play against Arsenal with a broken leg, what’s he doing out injured now?
Joey O’Brien (West Ham United)
Played 90 minutes (West Ham United 1-1 QPR)
As lost as anyone in West Ham’s abnormally high line but punted his fair share of balls into the box and that’s what ticks Big Sam’s box. We never want to have to write that sentence again.
MIDFIELDERS
Stephen Ireland (Aston Villa)
Unused sub (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
If he retired now, would anyone really notice? Strikes us as the kind who’ll end up owning a ‘Murphy’s Bar’ in Ibiza that features on ‘Brits abroad’ when the inconvenient business of being a professional footballer eventually winds down.
Samir Carruthers (Aston Villa)
Not in squad (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
Damien Duff (Fulham)
Played 90 minutes (Manchester City 2-0 Fulham)
Of all the transfer policies in the Premier League, Fulham’s approach of signing players with unpronounceable names isn’t working. They need to stick to one -- or at the most two -- syllables if they’re to survive.
Anthony Pilkington (Norwich City)
Played 85 minutes (Liverpool 5-0 Norwich City)
Just couldn’t turn around that five-goal deficit with five minutes to go. Now, if he’d been brought on with 10 minutes to go...
Wes Hoolahan (Norwich City)
Played 25 minutes (Liverpool 5-0 Norwich City)
Like being asked to treat acute appendicitis with a lullaby.
Jay Tabb (Reading)
Not in squad (Newcastle United 1-2 Reading)
Alan Pardew’s tack is to recap on events as they occurred while saying things like ‘tentative’ and ‘getting to grips with the game’ before laying the blame for results elsewhere. In truth, this is shaping up to be a really exciting season for Newcastle and we can’t wait for the last-day pitch invasion when they survive relegation courtesy of a late goal from Tim Krul and Pardew is interviewed pitch-side, drenched in champagne, talking about ‘belief’, ‘courage’ and ‘never-say-die’. The rich will be okay, folks.
Glenn Whelan (Stoke City)
Played 90 minutes (Swansea 3-1 Stoke City)
Exposed to the kryptonite of Swansea’s passing game, Whelan and his teammates fared poorly.
Rory Delap (Stoke City)
Not in squad (Swansea 3-1 Stoke City)
Tony Pulis said after the game, “We looked a yard short all over the pitch”. Expect him to instruct his scouting team to be on the lookout for players who are seven-foot-plus. These six-foot-three fellas just aren’t passing muster at the moment.
James McClean (Sunderland)
Played 15 minutes (Wigan Athletic 2-3 Sunderland)
If Steven Fletcher were English he’d be in danger of being described as he ‘best natural goalscorer of his generation’ -- as if what Robbie Fowler had as an English striker was unusual by its very naturalness. McClean, meanwhile, was on the bench for this one and may have a battle to win his place back in a side that has more left-footed players than any club in the history of the game. It’s as if their whole team was picked by Ned Flanders.
James McCarthy (Wigan Athletic)
Played 90 minutes (Wigan Athletic 2-3 Sunderland)
McCarthy still seems to think you don’t have to do a whole lot off the ball as long as you look slick on it. It’s surprising when managers seem to brush aside rudimentary stuff like ducking behind the wall when the opposition takes a free-kick. That’s the equivalent of what McCarthy is doing now. Harsh but fair. Well, not fair, but harsh.
STRIKERS
Jon Walters (Stoke City)
Played 90 minutes (Swansea 3-1 Stoke City)
Michael Owen is the first known case of a footballer performing contemporary highlights of his own career. We were reminded again of that inverse application of the good-on-the-deck-for-a-big-man stereotype when he showed that he’s good in the air for a little man when he headed in a late consolation. It doesn’t really suit Jon Walters’ when the ball is on the ground or in the air but he continues to make the best out of what he’s been given. It’s admirable in its own way.
Noel Hunt (Reading)
Unused sub (Newcastle United 1-2 Reading)
When the rain forests are gone, when the world is hot beyond sustainable, when we realise we’ve failed with this experiment and everyone’s moved to Planet Zog, Alan Pardew will still be on Earth managing Newcastle United. Bowie should write a song about it and call it ‘Eight Years’.
Shane Long (West Bromwich Albion)
Injured (West Bromwich Albion 2-2 Aston Villa)
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